For those of us who work with at-risk people, setting safe boundaries is a priority. Otherwise we will burn out. We must learn how to fulfill our needs on a daily basis through a healthy balance of giving to others while also receiving affirmation and support from others and from God. People who are involved in mercy ministry make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes. Personally, I’ve made some blunders. I saw myself as a rescuer, I succumbed to the tyranny of the urgent, and I had no safe boundaries to protect myself.

What is a boundary? A boundary is a gate with a lock. It keeps people and situations out unless we let them in.

If we want to serve wisely, then we must learn to understand and respect our limitations. In order to love ourselves, we must set up reasonable boundaries. Our Lord tells us to do our best and to serve in a way that is pleasing to Him (1 Cor. 10:31). And that means being realistic and having common sense.

Learning from our Mistakes

In 1970, the first year of my diaconal career, I thought I knew what I was doing. However, sometimes I provided assistance out of feelings of guilt. Many times I did not establish proper limits. The truth was I did not know what I was doing. I am reminded of an incident that now seems absurd, yet it happened. I was benevolence treasurer. One night, at home, I received a telephone request from a stranger who said he needed help in paying his rent. The caller told me he was referred by my pastor, and stated “I have to have the money by six o’clock tonight or I’ll be evicted.” He sounded desperate. After a few unsuccessful calls to verify his referral from my pastor—and not knowing I was being manipulated—I agreed to help him. I told him I could write out a church check to his landlord, but he said that his landlord only accepted cash. I told him that giving cash was not possible. He repeated his landlord’s need for cash only until I gave in. I did not want to disappoint this person, this stranger, so I agreed to give him cash. And, not only did I agree to give him cash, I agreed to leave it in an envelope for him at a downtown bar! My desire to please this stranger overshadowed the need for common sense and wisdom. What I did, essentially, was feed the requester’s heroin habit (I read in the newspaper a few days later that he had been arrested for possession of drugs).

At that time, mercy meant giving. I did not consider or question the responsibility of the requester, nor did I think about how the money would be used. Giving made me feel good. I didn’t know then about being “wise as serpents and as gentle as doves” (Matt.10:16, KJV). Today, I have learned to follow Jesus wisely, and not be manipulated by guilt or the tyranny of the urgent. I have learned that not everything that cries the loudest is the most urgent.

Balancing

How do we balance the need presented with the need to evaluate the request? Is the need an interruption to our own agendas, a fraudulent request, or an opportunity to serve in the name of Jesus? When do we say “yes,” and when do we say “no?” How can we be most loving at this moment? How can we love ourselves and our neighbors at the same time? Where do we set the boundaries?

In Ordering Your Private World Gordon McDonald describes a phone call he received one Saturday morning. The woman's voice at the other end, he says, sounded very upset.

"I've got to see you right away," she said. When I learned her name, I quickly realized that I had never met this person before and that she had rarely ever visited our church. "What is the reason that we have to visit right now?" I asked. It was an important question, one of several I've learned through experience to ask. Had this been many years ago when I was young, I would have responded immediately to her sense of emergency and arranged to meet her in ten minutes at my office, even if I had previously hoped to be with my family or involved in study. "My marriage is breaking up," she responded. I then asked, "When did you become aware that it was going to break up?" She answered, "Last Tuesday." I asked another question, "How long do you think the process of breaking up has been going on?" Her next comment was unforgettable. "Oh, it’s been coming for five years". I managed to muffle my reaction and said, "Since you've seen this coming for five years, and since you knew it was going to happen since last Tuesday, why is it important to visit me at this moment? I need to know that." She answered, "Oh, I had some free time this afternoon and just thought it might be a good time to get together with you."

McDowell proposed that she call him Monday morning to set up a time when he could concentrate completely on her need. She thought it was a terrific idea.[i] She would get to speak with him and he would protect his time from the “tyranny of the urgent.”

Difficult Experiences are Good Lessons

Many people come to me for help in my capacity as Director of Mercy Ministry. Ninety-five percent of these men and women I have never seen before (and I have had contact with thousands of homeless and addicted men and women). The word “on the street” is Tenth Presbyterian Church is an easy mark— that we will say “yes” to any request. Most requests are tyranny of the urgent cries which sound like, “You are my last hope. If you don’t help me I’m going to die.” What con artists want is to get hard cash or something that can be quickly sold for cash. Some people use “shock” value to turn us to helping them (one person dropped his pants to show me an area which needed medical attention). My job is discerning which needs are legitimate and which are “cons.”

Over the many years I have served at Tenth Presbyterian Church’s mercy ministry—and years prior to that—I have been “taken” and “conned” by some very good actors and manipulative persons. Because of that I have developed, with the help of others, a list of do’s and don’ts:

Helpful Rules

1. Do not give money.

2. Do not give money.

3. When in doubt see rule #1.

4. Do not help or enter into a conversation with anyone smelling of beer or alcohol or whose eyes are bloodshot. Persons who are under the influence of a controlled substance or may be boisterous or violent. Seek to peacefully escort these persons out of the church while speaking to them in a calm and gentle manner. Never touch or physically seek to maneuver a person. Stand to the side in a non-confrontational. State that they must leave or the police will be called (ask someone to dial 911).

No list of precautions is ever going to replace the element of compassion and judgment which must enter into every decision. Churches have a limited amount of resources and we want to be good stewards of those resources. We refuse to help some people. But with the hundreds of homeless and poor men and women we have relationships with, we help those who are really seeking to get their lives in order and want Jesus’ help. I offer these precautions with the hope that my experience might be helpful to you.

Be wary of the following:

1. First, be aware that all con artists are pathological liars. They are totally controlled their drug of choice or just the overwhelming desire to get something from us..

2. Be wary of people who volunteer irrelevant information. People will bring an overwhelming number of receipts bundled together (e.g., hotel receipts, bus ticket stubs, hospital bills, applications, etc.) or even wear a hospital wrist band in order to bolster a story and create an aura of credibility. Most of the time they will unload their paperwork but not allow time for you to actually read any of it (if you did, it would be obvious that the receipts are old, stained dated, and maybe not in the name of the requester).

3. Be wary of people who offering an abundance of specific details. One person needed a wick for his Kerosene heater. He told me heater model, the serial number of the wick, how much it cost and where they were on sale. He said it was only available at one hardware store near him and if we gave him the cash he would be happy to save us the trouble of buying the wick for him. I knew the person was an addict and I said that I could not help him. Later, he called a co-pastor while I was in his office. The request was the same although he used a different name. When the other pastor said, “You should really speak with David Apple,” the requester hung up.

4. Be wary of people who name drop and seem familiar with persons or agencies known to you. One person gave me a “song and dance” about being referred by one of the church deacons. He did not know that it is common practice for the deacons to give me a written referral if they are sending someone to me for help. When I asked which deacon referred him he said, “David Apple.”

5. Be wary of phony telephone requests. On one occasion I received a call from someone named Mike who said the Philadelphia Presbytery referred him to me. He said, Thank you for taking my call. I need your help. My name is Mike and I live in California. I’m attending a funeral in Philly and—well I ran out of money and my credit cards are maxed out. I need $86 to pay my hotel bill or they will evict me. I have no where else to stay or store my twelve pieces of luggage. I haven’t been able to get into a shelter-- I called all the shelters and they can’t help me. Can you help me? Listen, I’m using a borrowed phone which I have to return in just three minutes. What do you say? Will you help me? It is the end of a business day and no one can help me. No one wants to help a Christian (trump card!).

6. Another caller, 10 miles away from our church, requested rent. Three months behind; daughter took money and went to Atlantic City. Why did they know to call Tenth? Was it a “shotgun” approach? Since they were so far away we stated we could not help.

7. A pregnant woman came and said her car broke down on I-95--two miles from our church. She was traveling from Boston to Baltimore. Needed part that cost $75. How did she know to come and see me? Turns out it was a organized scam.

8. Be wary of people who forget or are otherwise unable to produce a “key” fact, the missing link necessary to corroborate their story. The requester might say that he is really stressed out because of his circumstances and can’t remember something vitally important. “The information is at the tip of my tongue but can find it.” Then he will say, “You’ve got to believe me.” Why do I?

9. Be wary of people who partially answer questions. Attempts to shift the subject. Seems not to hear key questions or pretends by mumbling to have a speech and hearing problem. They seem to be able to communicate their need to you, but then falter when you question them.

10. Be wary of people who place blocks inhibiting the verification of their story. You may hear the phrases, “This is really embarrassing to me, it’s hard to talk about” or “This must be dealt with in absolute confidentiality,” or “You can’t say anything about this to anyone.”

11. Be wary of people who stress the urgency of the request. Someone may come to the church on the night of choir practice requesting money for food. Within reason, don't submit to this tyranny of the urgent. It’s night. The requesters had all day to find help for food. You can say, "No one is available to help you at this time (after hours). Please return tomorrow during the day (they probably won't)” or "I'm sorry we are not able to do that." A good idea is to make up a list of resources in your area and give it to them. Be careful not to set bad precedents.

12. Be wary of people who always manipulate suggested solutions back to their terms. Usually this means that they must have immediate cash and no other solution will do. Once while I was walking to work a man fell in step by step with me and asked for help to get food. I said I would be happy to give him my lunch but he was quick to tell me that he had food allergies. When I offered to go to the neighborhood grocer and buy what he needed he said they didn’t stock what he could eat. So I said, “I guess I can’t help you.”

13. Be wary of people who need to “get out of town.” Transportation tickets can be exchanged for cash even when we ask that they be stamped “non-refundable.” Travelers Aid is the appropriate agency for legitimate requests of this kind. One man’s story was that he came to Philly for a job, was mugged in Independence Mall and everything stolen—wallet, ID, money, backpack, and an Olympus 3030-Z camera. He needed to get home in Pittsburgh. Yet that month several others used the exact same story. Sometimes the destination city was different, but the camera model was always the same.

14. Be wary of people who attempt to produce a sense of guilt in us for doubting their honesty. Crying, tears flowing: How could you not believe me I thought you were a Christian. The church is supposed to help people like me. Are we supposed to give them whatever that want?

People whose needs are legitimate will rarely exhibit any of these characteristics, while con artists will show signs of all or most of them. The interesting thing is when I want to know where to go for a particular need, I ask my homeless buddies. They know. It’s their “job” to know how to survive.

Here are some principles to help prevent you from becoming a victim to the con artist:

1. What was rule #1? Don’t give money. The policy of our church is not to give money. This applies to members and regular attenders as well. Our church policy states that help be made available “in kind” and that no cash be given.

2. Don’t act impulsively. When possible set up appointments with people. This will eliminate people whose needs are not legitimate and will protect your time. Those with genuine needs will return. I’d say that only one out of every ten return for their appointment.

3. Determine what the person has done to help him/herself in the last day? Week? Month? What resources has he made use of? Why did this person come to you? And at this time?

4. Remember, “No” is not a dirty word. Most people who come to our church “for help” are drug addicted or need immediate cash for some other illicit purpose. After years of being “soft” we are now up-front with requesters, stating very clearly what we will and will not do. As a matter of fact, con artists—who are very adept at time management—will appreciate your coming right to say you are not able to help in the way requested. That provides them with more time to try and con another person at another church.

5. Do not take too much responsibility for solving other people’s problems. The Lord has given people a lot of resources to deal with their problem, therefore explore what resources they have and ask the person what they can do to mobilize those resources. Sometimes people get themselves into problem situations because they are acting irresponsibly and want someone to come in and make everything okay. Your job in these cases is to listen graciously and then insist that these people take responsibility for themselves.

6. Similarly, don’t work harder than the person who has come for help. You don’t want to develop another dependency. Seek to motivate and empower them to help themselves. If you are making a referral, give them the phone number, the agency to call and the name of a contact person if you have it and let them make the call. That is a small successful step, but a successful step nonetheless.

I’ve listed some don’ts. Now here are some do’s

7. Make sure public and private agencies are being good stewards of God’s resources. Locate the best services in your community. Don’t duplicate what other Churches, agencies/social services are doing? Locate the neighborhood “Gatekeepers” and Associations. Discover reproducible ministry models that work. Provide a Christ-centered alternative. Determine what new ministry you can develop to meet certain needs. Do what you do best.

8. Check with other churches in your area. What services do they provide? Are partnerships possible? Do the same people who ask you for help make the rounds to these churches?

9. Keep a List of Resources. There are several churches in Tenth’s neighborhood. At one time they all had a food and clothing closet. We found that the same people were hitting all the churches and some were selling our food to a grocer to support their drug habits. Since our food and clothing closet was redundant we stopped providing that service. Now we make appropriate referrals to the other churches (one of them also does a thorough social service screening which is very helpful). We also discovered that no church gives cash, but only vouchers or store gift certificates.

10. Listen to Experience. We want to show compassion. We also want to protect our time, the Lord’s resources, and hold people accountable for their actions. We have learned to do what we do best—becoming involved, providing hospitality and offering hope—so we specialize in that.

11. Remember that you cannot change anyone. That is the business of the Holy Spirit. The only person you can change is you. Do your best to honor God. If your efforts to aid someone appear to be unsuccessful in that he or she has not changed, remember that God is not done working in that person’s life. Mary was a drug addict who attended our Bible studies for ten years. We never saw her cooperate, never saw any fruit. All she wanted from us was material goods. All we got from her was grief. We finally asked her not to come back. A few years later I met her—clean and sober and a new person in Christ. God hadn’t given up.

Preserving our Time

I cannot direct attention enough to that waster of our time, energy, money, and other resources: the tyranny of the urgent. Resist it. Not every interruption needs immediate attention. Some things are important but not urgent. When needs are genuine, people will return for their appointments.

The reason we tend to give in to other people’s urgent requests is that we want to please them. But, we need to honor God, not please others If we think that our job is to rescue people, we will be subject to every urgent appeal for help. Our job is to come alongside people in need to encourage them, to pray with them, to point them to the Jesus. To resist the tyranny of the urgent, we need to have a good, prayerful sense of where the Lord wants us to focus our energies and attention at any given time.

Here is a brief summary warning I give my volunteers:

· We don’t have to do everything. We do need to set boundaries.

· When people are in distress, they are often completely absorbed by their

problems. Sometimes they will try to absorb us in their problems, too. We cannot

be effective helpers if we let ourselves become enmeshed. One question to ask

ourselves is: “Where does my responsibility and this person’s begin?”

· Protect yourselves. Know what resources aree available. Don’t reinvent the wheel. Don’t work harder than the people coming for help.

· Some things are our responsibility. Other things will just suck our energy, waste our time, and leave us too drained to do what we should be doing. Remember the examples of those who seek to con us.

· “Be wise as serpents and gentle as doves” (Matt 10:16)

· Deny self doesn’t mean destroying self.